Like many women, when I’m in a public place, I’m often greeted by men who want to convince me of my own attractiveness. Of course, this is whether I want them to or not. For anti-street harassment week, I’d like to write about some of my experiences with men who are absolutely convinced that I need to be told that they want to fuck me while I’m existing in their presence. Consider this a brief memoir of sorts - a collection of memories from the short-lived life of someone who is apparently just too sexy to go about her daily business. 

The first time a man graciously let me know how incredibly beautiful I am I was 16 and pumping gas into my 1994 POS model Saturn after I had driven home from high school. I paid in cash, so as I was coming out of the gas station a man in a POS some-other-car called to me. I don’t remember what he said, but it was some variation of “Hey sexy”, “Hey beautiful” or some other relatively benign cat-call. It was only when I turned my nose up at him that his voice changed and he again called out to me, only this time my name wasn’t “beautiful” or “sexy”, but “bitch”. 

Maybe he was referencing the Akon song? I mean, calling out to me was about complimenting me on my striking beauty and grace, right? Either way, I was 16, alone, and unable to do anything meaningful about it, so I pumped my gas as quickly as I could, got in my car and was happy that I was close to home. 

A second time that my visage was too astonishingly attractive not to be commented on, I was 17 and checking the mail at the post office for my mom. I was walking out of the post office on a hot, sunny, Florida day. While I made my way to my car, a man much older and much taller than me leaned in to me and said softly “You’re beautiful” and then gave me a knowing grin. 

My face just contorted into a look of puzzlement. Actually, I was just getting mail. And actually, I was just legally underage. Actually, I looked younger than I really was for most of my teen years. But hey, he was just a much older man in a pretty deserted parking lot with a very young girl. He was just trying to be nice, right? He probably couldn’t help himself, what with my tank top and jeans ensemble that I had been wearing that day. I do have really nice arms. 

Another more memorable time I was whistled at I was a little older. Over the legal age, at least, so hey - improvement! My doggies and I had taken a little jaunt, and being dogs, one of them dropped the kids off at the park. Being a good citizen, I got my plastic Publix bag out of my pocket and assumed the pick-up position, squatting a bit and bending over so as not to get too close to the shit to be overwhelmed by it’s powerful aroma (my dogs don’t mess around) but of course close enough to enclose my bagged hand around it. 

At that moment, a group of young men drove by in a black pick-up truck, honked the horn, and hollered various versions of “Hey sexy” at me. Not being used to people giving compliments in organized drive-by groups, I merely looked up startled. Then, realizing I still had warm shit in my hand, I went ahead and dropped that in the trash can and walked my pups home, my spirits totally lifted by being told I was fuckable while imitating a pooper scooper, or something.

While it’s hard to beat being super sexy while picking up dog shit, I still have one more memory of a young man who was super motivated to compliment me via not leaving me alone in a department store. I’m a total Maxxinista, which I guess is how I stay so stylishly harass-able. 

One day I was shopping at my local TJ Maxx with my mom. She, as usual, went on to peruse the housewares section while I stayed lingering in the clearance dress section - where I live. I had selected a couple of items that I wanted to try on when a young man came up behind me. 

“I could buy that for you” he said to me. I turned around, because at that point all I had heard was his voice. I did a double take, making sure no one was behind me that he could have been talking to. 

“Uh” I said, articulately. 

“Come to my car”

“Uh”

“I can buy that for you and more, baby, what do you want? Just pick it out”

“Uh. I can buy things.”

“Come on baby, I can get that for you”

This guy was determined to be a grade A public space complimentor.

My eyes darted around for any sign of a manager or my mom. I was worried at this point that my revelation that I had the capability to buy things on my own and no interest to give a stranger head in a TJ Maxx parking lot would get me into some trouble. 

I was really fortunate. The guy finally walked away without any trouble after I just kept repeating “no, I’m good” while looking around and moving my head back on it’s neck as far as it could go. 

I went and found my mom immediately, and didn’t see that guy again in the store or in the parking lot. I went home feeling great about being treated like a hooker in a department store I frequent. Oh, those public space compliments. Always a self-esteem boost.

Except they’re fucking not. That experience was terrifying. 

I’ve written about my experiences in a sort of tongue and cheek fashion, because that’s generally how I deal with things that are disturbing, enraging, and frightening. 

none of the things above were complimentary. Can we please stop buying into the notion that guys cat-call women to compliment them? Is there anything complimentary about being told you’re beautiful by a stranger who doesn’t know anything about you, and then when you don’t express the utmost gratitude, you get called a bitch? 

Is there anything complimentary about being an underage girl in a somewhat deserted area with a much older, much larger man getting into your personal space?

Is there anything complimentary about hooting and hollering at someone who is in the middle of something not so pleasant? In a group?

Is there anything complimentary about having something foisted on you while you’re just trying to mind your own business?

The only particle of information you need to make that determination is that of the one who is supposedly being complimented. Does it make them feel good? If you ask me, no. Does it make them feel appreciated? Again, if you ask me, not at all. Does it make them feel safe, valued, or respected? No, no, and no.

So cut it the fuck out, dudes. I shouldn’t have to have these experiences. You’re not entitled to being able to tell whoever you want how fuckable they are at any time. Besides - I know I’m hot, and I don’t need you to validate it.

Every week should be anti-street harassment week. And if you’re a man and you don’t say anything to other men around you who harass women in public spaces (if you’re safe enough to do so), you are just as bad. 

This is not a women’s issue. This is a men’s issue. 

So do better guys. I don’t want to have any more stories to add to my little memoir here. 

More info on anti-street harassment week here. 

brightblackdaylight:

As feminists, we tend to think a lot about male privilege (stuff like the fact that men are more likely to be bosses and CEOs and less likely to get raped), but not very much about female privilege. I stumbled across this, a list of female privileges:

As a woman …

1. I have a much lower chance of being murdered than a man.
2. I have a much lower chance of being driven to successfully commit suicide than a man.
3. I have a lower chance of being a victim of a violent assault than a man.
4. I have probably been taught that it is acceptable to cry.
5. I will probably live longer than the average man.
6. Most people in society probably will not see my overall worthiness as a person being exclusively tied to how high up in the hierarchy I rise.
7. I have a much better chance of being considered to be a worthy mate for someone, even if I’m unemployed with little money, than a man.
8. I am given much greater latitude to form close, intimate friendships than a man is.
9. My chance of suffering a work-related injury or illness is significantly lower than a man’s.
10. My chance of being killed on the job is a tiny fraction of a man’s.
11. If I shy away from fights, it is unlikely that this will damage my standing in my peer group or call into question my worthiness as a sex partner.
12. I am not generally expected to be capable of violence. If I lack this capacity, this will generally not be seen as a damning personal deficiency.
13. If I was born in North America since WWII, I can be almost certain that my genitals were not mutilated soon after birth, without anesthesia.
14. If I attempt to hug a friend in joy, it’s much less likely that my friend will wonder about my sexuality or pull away in unease.
15. If I seek a hug in solace from a close friend, I’ll have much less concern about how my friend will interpret the gesture or whether my worthiness as a member of my gender will be called into question.
16. I generally am not compelled by the rules of my sex to wear emotional armor in interactions with most people.
17. I am frequently the emotional center of my family.
18. I am allowed to wear clothes that signify ‘vulnerability’, ‘playful openness’, and ’softness’.
19. I am allowed to BE vulnerable, playful, and soft without calling my worthiness as a human being into question.
20. If I interact with other people’s children — particularly people I don’t know very well — I do not have to worry much about the interaction being misinterpreted.
21. If I have trouble accommodating to some aspects of gender demands, I have a much greater chance than a man does of having a sympathetic audience to discuss the unreasonableness of the demand, and a much lower chance that this failure to accommodate will be seen as signifying my fundamental inadequacy as a member of my gender.
22. I am less likely to be shamed for being sexually inactive than a man.
23. From my late teens through menopause, for most levels of sexual attractiveness, it is easier for me to find a sex partner at my attractiveness level than it is for a man.
24. My role in my child’s life is generally seen as more important than the child’s father’s role.

http://www.feministcritics.org/blog/2008/06/08/female-privilege/

What do you guys think? Are these valid? Which ones are not valid? I don’t know much about the statistical claims, but I would certainly agree with points like 4, it is much more socially acceptable for me to cry than a man, or generally display emotions other than anger or desire. 

Thoughts?

Have I completely responded to these “privileges” before? If not, this is as good a time as any. 

As a woman …

1. I have a much lower chance of being murdered than a man.

But a much higher chance of being murdered by an intimate partner, making you not safe in your own home. Also, the majority of murderers are men. 

2. I have a much lower chance of being driven to successfully commit suicide than a man.

This is disingenuous. Men aren’t being driven to suicide more successfully, they actually just happen to be more successful when they attempt. This sentence makes it seem as though more men are driven to suicide, when in fact more women attempt. The fact that men are more successful is generally attributed to the fact that they employ more effective methods, such as the use of guns or other weapons. Now, you may be able to say that the socialization that leads to men using these methods is a problem, and that I’d agree with. But let’s not pretend as though men are offin’ themselves right and left because of some matriarchy or something.

3. I have a lower chance of being a victim of a violent assault than a man.

Is sexual assault included in this? By conservative estimates, at least 1 out of every 6 women will be sexually assaulted in their lifetime. Also, women are still more often victimized by someone they know, making them less safe in their personal lives, and men are more likely to be victimized by strangers (again, mostly men).

4. I have probably been taught that it is acceptable to cry.

Sure. But what social power does crying get us? Hillary Clinton was accused of crying during her campaign trail and it was a big fuckin’ deal. It showed she couldn’t handle the big time political arena, according to lots of folks. So female willingness to show emotion still keeps them out of arenas of power, even if it is considered “ok” in other settings. Besides, feminists are the ones who continuously say that it is ok for men to learn emotional language and expression, so MRAs holding this up as some kind of “privilege” or “checkmate, feminists” is counter-intuitive.

5. I will probably live longer than the average man.

Um, ok. Is the implied argument here because women’s health is taken care of so much better than men’s? Because um, need I bring up the fact that original research on heart disease was done only on men? And now it’s come to light that women’s heart disease can manifest differently? Oh, and that said heart disease is the number one killer of women?

6. Most people in society probably will not see my overall worthiness as a person being exclusively tied to how high up in the hierarchy I rise.

Wait, so no greatness is expected of women, and this is a privilege?

7. I have a much better chance of being considered to be a worthy mate for someone, even if I’m unemployed with little money, than a man.

Because women’s labor is mostly unpaid and has been historically. Essentially the value in the match is that the man is getting a free maid, baby machine, sex partner, cook, etc. Or perhaps the woman is particularly adherent to social beauty standards, and therein lies the value (i.e. a trophy wife, which, to maintain that standard of beauty actually take quite a bit of work). 

8. I am given much greater latitude to form close, intimate friendships than a man is.

How are we talking here? I mean, there are plenty of famous friendships that men have had throughout the ages. I mean, sure, maybe guys are socialized into minimal physical contact and not using emotional language, etc. but that doesn’t mean that men are encouraged not to have friends.

9. My chance of suffering a work-related injury or illness is significantly lower than a man’s.

This and the next are just about the only one on this list that has any sort of validity. Although, this is more of a class issue than a gender issue. It just so happens that women in general are not valued for their physical labor (in the sense of lifting heavy things, construction work, etc.) and as such are not considered worthy of these (higher paying) jobs.  But the danger comes from those who are higher above the menial workers in these positions not adhering to safety requirements or trying to make sure those safety requirements don’t exist in the first place. 

10. My chance of being killed on the job is a tiny fraction of a man’s.

11. If I shy away from fights, it is unlikely that this will damage my standing in my peer group or call into question my worthiness as a sex partner.

So, men can’t show feminine qualities because of what other men will think (largely, since this is what status is generally determined by). Why is this a female privilege again?

12. I am not generally expected to be capable of violence. If I lack this capacity, this will generally not be seen as a damning personal deficiency.

Um, what? Maybe not “damning”, but it’s certainly seen as a deficiency. Women are not strong because they are seen as not violent. Women cannot fight. Women cannot defend themselves. Women are helpless. This attitude has historically kept women in places of subservience, not only because it is common social attitude but because it is internalized. So, even if women break from that, they’re told they cannot. This is patriarchal gender roles at work, and it’s something feminists are trying to break from.

13. If I was born in North America since WWII, I can be almost certain that my genitals were not mutilated soon after birth, without anesthesia.

And women grow up hating everything else about their bodies. Oh, and they also end up getting plastic surgery on their genitals. So baby boys are mutilated before they really know what’s going on. Women are made to be complicit in what can be considered their own mutilation, and they pay for the privilege. 

I’m not saying that women getting plastic surgery is always a mutilation. But what I think is a mutilation is the distorted bodily images that are thrown at women every day with little to no deviation. If we had more deviation and women still chose plastic surgery, that would be much better.

14. If I attempt to hug a friend in joy, it’s much less likely that my friend will wonder about my sexuality or pull away in unease.

Heterosexism issues. This also happens with women, depending on the person.

15. If I seek a hug in solace from a close friend, I’ll have much less concern about how my friend will interpret the gesture or whether my worthiness as a member of my gender will be called into question.

Heterosexism, again.

16. I generally am not compelled by the rules of my sex to wear emotional armor in interactions with most people.

Oh you know, only if you want to be taken seriously in political or business arenas.

17. I am frequently the emotional center of my family.

But not the power figure.

18. I am allowed to wear clothes that signify ‘vulnerability’, ‘playful openness’, and ’softness’.

And then if you do, you get blamed for any sexual advance or assault that anyone chooses to commit.

19. I am allowed to BE vulnerable, playful, and soft without calling my worthiness as a human being into question.

You know, I can’t believe it’s taken me this long to notice, but essentially every time this list says that the man’s “worthiness as a human being” is called into question, what they’re really saying is that the man will be called a “sissy” or will be likened to a woman. I think that’s telling on a “female privilege checklist”.

20. If I interact with other people’s children — particularly people I don’t know very well — I do not have to worry much about the interaction being misinterpreted.

Mostly because men aren’t expected to know about children, want anything to do with children, etc. This is why they’re much more accepted into the public sphere. There’s very little social power that comes with interacting with children, mostly because children are by and large undervalued despite what a lot of the hoopla regarding kids in our society might imply.

21. If I have trouble accommodating to some aspects of gender demands, I have a much greater chance than a man does of having a sympathetic audience to discuss the unreasonableness of the demand, and a much lower chance that this failure to accommodate will be seen as signifying my fundamental inadequacy as a member of my gender.

Mostly because patriarchy and male privilege relies on complicity among men. That’s also why there’s such heavy policing of gender roles.

22. I am less likely to be shamed for being sexually inactive than a man.

No, in fact a woman’s entire value is placed on her sexuality, and she is lauded for remaining “pure” and shamed for making conscious sexual choices. Golly, what a privilege. I’m so sorry someone likens a man to a woman if he chooses not to have sex. Poor, poor men.

23. From my late teens through menopause, for most levels of sexual attractiveness, it is easier for me to find a sex partner at my attractiveness level than it is for a man.

“At my attractiveness level”? Let me get this straight, dudes don’t get access to the gals they think are hottest, and they think women do, so this is a female privilege? I also like how they don’t take into account the work that women have to put into beauty ideals in order to attract those men.

24. My role in my child’s life is generally seen as more important than the child’s father’s role.

This is not true. There are very few people bemoaning the lack of mothers in the lives of children, or few people examining what the lack of motherhood does to children. Oh wait, could that be because men more often don’t partake in parenting and thus leave it up to the mother? Again, what a privilege!

Ok. So there’s a debunking of the “female privilege checklist”. Merry Christmas folks. 

(via iwillbeathousandthings-deactiva)

Oh wait, the title prettymuch says it all. 

There is nothing ok with with photographing women who are simply existing in a public space, behaving like fully-realized human people with thoughts, feelings, and rights and posting those pictures on the internet for oglement without the consent of those women. 

This plus the insistence of white dudes everywhere that Occupy Wall Street should be What Everyone Does When They Activism Because It Is The Most Important Thing Ever is really turning me off to this whole thing.

If the 99% includes assholes who think it’s ok to make women dickbait for a protest (and assholes who defend that because having “more men” at a protest is obviously more important than having comfortable and safe women), it sure as fuck doesn’t include me. 

Over it.

PS - I’m not linking to that douchebag’s site. I feel bad enough that I’m mentioning it and giving it more attention than he deserves. Oh, but here’s Jill’s take over at Feministe about it. Also her follow up post about how he likes to make rape jokes. 

This has been a grumpy and not so enlightening post. Sorry for anyone who read it.

jackwoodward:

Privilege check: I am a white, male songwriter so I know those first two adjectives will invalidate anything I have to say in the eyes of the more reactionary feminists.

To begin: Yoko Ono coined this phrase, not John Lennon. Either way, I’m not going to function as an apologist for John Lennon, because he was far from a perfect person and just as much of a nihilist as an idealist. I will however advocate in favor of the quote being extremely accurate and thought-provoking for what is possible in the context of a song.

Whenever I read feminists criticizing the lyrics to rock songs, I can’t help but feel underwhelmed; it’s like shooting fish in a barrel. As a student of rock n roll I’ll will be the first to cede it’s long history of sexism and misogyny, but the musicians who make their way to the top are often not the most articulate people, in keeping with the collective intelligence of the masses who used their purchasing power to get them there. In the case of someone like John Lennon, who was decently articulate and must have been fairly intelligent to be one of the greatest composers of the 20th century, the songwriting process itself still dilutes the intelligence and cohesion of whatever sentiment is trying to be expressed by forcing it’s concision.

When writing songs, 9 times out of 10 you will be forced to dilute the honesty of whatever concept or emotion you are trying to express in order to preserve the balance of lyrical quality and musicality. You have to find ways to concisely evoke notions that you don’t have entire paragraphs to express. While this particular sentiment might not be 100% accurate under the light of academic analysis, it is still a profoundly powerful image that moves the conversation in the right direction.

What John Lennon is saying by “Woman is the nigger of the world” is that, while people of African descent are oppressed by Europeans. women are oppressed on a universal level by men everywhere. This is an extremely powerful sentiment, even though it doesn’t take into account the potential for women to racially oppress each other. It’s a song, not a reasoned treatise. For you to criticize it as such is only an indication of your own intellectual lack of ambition. Go pick on Andrew Breitbart or someone with a purely ideological medium and much more insidious agenda. God knows he’s doing more harm to the world than John Lennon ever could. If you want to make the world a better place you have to focus. Calling out John Lennon on 39 year old bullshit doesn’t help anybody when there are people out there advancing and perpetrating sexism and racism today. And I admit my own hypocrisy in taking the time to criticize you for it.

On a side note, as a man, I have always found the most powerful line of this to be, “If you don’t believe me, look at the one you’re with.” There’s no better privilege check than to take a moment and think of the women in your life, their body image issues, emotional fragility (respective to most men’s lack of emotion), and socioeconomic standing. (The previous statement is extremely general.) John Lennon’s song is effective. I’m sorry that it’s not 100% accurate but there are more pressing things you should be concerning yourself with. And this isn’t a man trying to tell you what’s best for you, it’s pragmatism. It’s 2011 and there are much more important things to worry about. #occupywallst

What the fuck is this mansplaining bullshit. Surely this is like, a parody of what not to do when writing about racism.

If this is the kind of attitude present at Occupy Wall Street, well fuck that. 

Are you seriously going to condescend to women of color and mansplain to them what the point of music is, and how music works, and what goes into songwriting? I’m pretty sure some women of color are songwriters and they know what it entails, and they also know that it doesn’t justify misappropriation of an oppressive term used against people of color by a white dude just so said white dude can be controversial or poetic or some shit. 

“Woman is the nigger of the world” wasn’t just “diluting honesty”, it’s straight up ignorance. It doesn’t matter that it was 39 years ago. It is obviously still being used and appropriated by white folks today, hence making it still an issue. Hence bringing to light the fact that Lennon did have a negative impact on the social justice movement by letting his privilege as a white dude create cracks in what otherwise might have been solidarity. I guess you have a lot in common with him there. 

The only people who lack “intellectual ambition” (fucking christ, pretentious much?) are those who are not willing to analyze their own behavior and the behavior of supposed “allies” in the context of the social justice. Andrew Breitbart is an easy mark because everyone knows he’s an oppressive asshole. It takes much more to confront someone within what’s supposed to be your own ranks who is also expressing oppressive attitudes. It takes more to pinpoint the underlying attitudes that everyone has, even self-identified allies, than it does to criticize a known and vocal bigot. Puh-lease, dude.

Look, I know you put your passive aggressive “If feminists criticize me for this they’re just reactionary” bit in at the top, but I’m not gonna let that bug me. This post is bullshit, and your “privilege check” at the beginning apparently didn’t stop you from writing it. In fact, nothing after the colon was a privilege check at all. I think perhaps you should revisit the meaning of that phrase.

Until then, please, just stop. You don’t get to define what is and is not important.